Grief is a funny thing...
Hi and welcome to my first post.
If you haven't read the section about me yet, then here is a litle background behind this post.
I shared that my sister and I have sadly lost both out parents. They were on seperate occasion and have both affected me in different ways.
I'll start with my father, Christpoher. He sadly passed away of cancer in 1998, aged 27! I was 3 years old at the time of his passing. As a result of this it meant I didnt create a bond with him and create memories with him, so I don't have anything to look back on and therefore I am unemotionally attached to his passing. What I find sad now I've reached my early twenties is how young he was when he passed, thats no life at all and that in itself is what I find sad about it. Secondly, and the real other reason I think his passing is sad is because he left my mother on her own with two young children. A man she married and thought she would have a long and happy life with as they raise their children together. My sadness is for my mum, Lisa at this time and how she must of felt, her whole world changed on this very day, which essentially changed ours too. It's only now that I've reached this age that I sympathise with this emotion, as being young I did not notice the impact so much. My mum was an emotional person, perhaps this was the very reason for it. My family members tell me to this day that since losing my dad, my mum was never the same. She laughed through the hurt and she gave up. She met another man, who was to be my step father for 12 years before she sadly passed away in 2012, ages 45. Again, taken from this world so young!
As I look back I remember looking at her relationship with my stepdad as one of contemptment. She didn't want to be on her own and that is very much understandable, so she settled. It was never a close family unit, we would often be in our own rooms and I was always quick to stay at a friends house. Our family unit felt somewhat awkward. My mum never made something from her bad situation.
I was aged 17, soon to be 18. A time that everyone is usually excited for, a time for someone young to celebrate, but this got taken away from me over night. My mothers passing left me angry, I still find this place quite easily even now. I was angry she left us, me and my sister. I was angry that she didn't give herself a better life to give us a better life. She was a lovely women, she was so kind natured and was always about pleasing other people, but sometimes the wrong people. I was angry that I was now left with our stepdad in a horrible flat and with my sister who I had to look after as she has a learning disability. I was angry.
Along with my anger I felt sad about her death, I was sad that when I thought of my future, me getting married or having children of my own that she was never going to be there and this still makes me sad. However, in a weird way I look at it differently too. Without her passing, where would my sister and I be right now? Would I have got our own flat together? Would I have graduated from University? Would my sister be as independant as she is now? Probably not, but who knows? I think her passing had some significance to it, because it broke the chains of our suffering of living how we was. I am providing my sister and I with the life that I have always wanted and it simple starts with having dinner as a family together, something we never did.
I was allowed to be angry. At 17 years old I was to live my mothers life of being depressed and looking after everyone else and not being looked after. My boyfriend at the time wasn't the best support network for me. He has his own troubles and mine were too much for anybody. My soul purpose in life was simple my sister. And although I am angry somewhat that I was left with this responsibility so young which cost me many of my young years. I am also very greatful for having her to look after because without that purpose, I dread to think where I would have ended up now.
I don't always feel angry. With family or close friends that knew her, it's always nice to reminisce about the good times and often I laugh as if it was happening all over again. I feel sad for my sister and I that we don't have her in our lives anymore. And maybe if my mums life turned out a little different she may still be here today. I hold some guilt too, I try not to but it's hard not to look back on the times I was rude to her or didn't tell her how much I loved her.
Now almost 6 years later, all I can do is carry on giving my sister and myself the best opportunities in life that I can. I don't need to be told that they would have been proud of me, because I am proud of me. I never really grieved or healed properly, I was too busy looking after everyone else, everyone always expressed how worried they was that I haven't grieved yet? What did they want from me... to cry every day, to see I wasnt coping, well I was just not to the rest of the world. Maybe this wasn't healthy, I tried counselling at my university but I always cancelled. 6 years on and I think I am still grieving, you never forget the place of how losing someone makes you feel, but you just get stronger.
Danielle.
If you haven't read the section about me yet, then here is a litle background behind this post.
I shared that my sister and I have sadly lost both out parents. They were on seperate occasion and have both affected me in different ways.
I'll start with my father, Christpoher. He sadly passed away of cancer in 1998, aged 27! I was 3 years old at the time of his passing. As a result of this it meant I didnt create a bond with him and create memories with him, so I don't have anything to look back on and therefore I am unemotionally attached to his passing. What I find sad now I've reached my early twenties is how young he was when he passed, thats no life at all and that in itself is what I find sad about it. Secondly, and the real other reason I think his passing is sad is because he left my mother on her own with two young children. A man she married and thought she would have a long and happy life with as they raise their children together. My sadness is for my mum, Lisa at this time and how she must of felt, her whole world changed on this very day, which essentially changed ours too. It's only now that I've reached this age that I sympathise with this emotion, as being young I did not notice the impact so much. My mum was an emotional person, perhaps this was the very reason for it. My family members tell me to this day that since losing my dad, my mum was never the same. She laughed through the hurt and she gave up. She met another man, who was to be my step father for 12 years before she sadly passed away in 2012, ages 45. Again, taken from this world so young!
As I look back I remember looking at her relationship with my stepdad as one of contemptment. She didn't want to be on her own and that is very much understandable, so she settled. It was never a close family unit, we would often be in our own rooms and I was always quick to stay at a friends house. Our family unit felt somewhat awkward. My mum never made something from her bad situation.
I was aged 17, soon to be 18. A time that everyone is usually excited for, a time for someone young to celebrate, but this got taken away from me over night. My mothers passing left me angry, I still find this place quite easily even now. I was angry she left us, me and my sister. I was angry that she didn't give herself a better life to give us a better life. She was a lovely women, she was so kind natured and was always about pleasing other people, but sometimes the wrong people. I was angry that I was now left with our stepdad in a horrible flat and with my sister who I had to look after as she has a learning disability. I was angry.
Along with my anger I felt sad about her death, I was sad that when I thought of my future, me getting married or having children of my own that she was never going to be there and this still makes me sad. However, in a weird way I look at it differently too. Without her passing, where would my sister and I be right now? Would I have got our own flat together? Would I have graduated from University? Would my sister be as independant as she is now? Probably not, but who knows? I think her passing had some significance to it, because it broke the chains of our suffering of living how we was. I am providing my sister and I with the life that I have always wanted and it simple starts with having dinner as a family together, something we never did.
I was allowed to be angry. At 17 years old I was to live my mothers life of being depressed and looking after everyone else and not being looked after. My boyfriend at the time wasn't the best support network for me. He has his own troubles and mine were too much for anybody. My soul purpose in life was simple my sister. And although I am angry somewhat that I was left with this responsibility so young which cost me many of my young years. I am also very greatful for having her to look after because without that purpose, I dread to think where I would have ended up now.
I don't always feel angry. With family or close friends that knew her, it's always nice to reminisce about the good times and often I laugh as if it was happening all over again. I feel sad for my sister and I that we don't have her in our lives anymore. And maybe if my mums life turned out a little different she may still be here today. I hold some guilt too, I try not to but it's hard not to look back on the times I was rude to her or didn't tell her how much I loved her.
Now almost 6 years later, all I can do is carry on giving my sister and myself the best opportunities in life that I can. I don't need to be told that they would have been proud of me, because I am proud of me. I never really grieved or healed properly, I was too busy looking after everyone else, everyone always expressed how worried they was that I haven't grieved yet? What did they want from me... to cry every day, to see I wasnt coping, well I was just not to the rest of the world. Maybe this wasn't healthy, I tried counselling at my university but I always cancelled. 6 years on and I think I am still grieving, you never forget the place of how losing someone makes you feel, but you just get stronger.
Danielle.
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